Back to life

I went back to work tonight.  I am in the ER–normally not my favorite place because I don’t like trauma and such, but PEDS ER is a little different.  There is generally not too much drams involving pediatric patients. 9/10 times its a cold, RSV, or bronchioloits, but I am always on edge.  Something big COULD happen, and that’s what I don’t like about the ER.

I still feel like dirt.  Curly isn’t dealing well with his mom’s death. He goes to work and comes home and does nothing.  He doesn’t want to eat, doesn’t sleep, doesn’t want to talk, doesn’t want anything, doesn’t want to do anything.  Yes, I know he’s grievieng.  Yes, I know he’s probably still in shock.  Yes, I know I am way down the list on his priorities right now, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting to help him in some way.  Everytime I talk to him, I tell him ‘I am here for you’, but it is wearing me down.  I am trying to be the understanding sympathetic girlfriend,  but it is really hard.  There is a real disconnect between us that I don’t like, but can’t do anything about, and it sucks.  There is no way around it.  I will try to go on with my life while trying to be supportive for him.

 

 

He’s back…well, sort of

Just when I had given up all hope there was a knock at the door.  Actually my phone rang because I didn’t  hear the knock at the door.  It’s Curly.  He said  ’I am tired of moping.  I just had to get out. ‘  which was good because nothing I tried on my own was working.  We got to talk a bit which was good…oh and he bought a new car–black, sexy as hell 2012 dodge challenger–with cash–because he can.  I love him–even if he does drive me up a fucking wall most of the time.

40 Days and 40 Nights

OK…it’s not a new movie [2002], but I have never seen it so it is new to me.  It’s good enough, and one of Everclear’s songs [Wonderful] is in it.  But it got me thinking–sex does complicate things.  Early on, it’s forced intimacy.  Later on, it’s power, glue, and a whole bunch of other things.  Sex is important.  It is what seperates friends from lovers.  Curly and I started dating almost 6 years ago.  It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when we started dating.  I was living in NC and he was in SC.  We already ‘knew’ each other.  It started with photography.  He asked to see my photos from my most recent trip.  He kissed me.  He gave me  his phone number and email address.  We started with emailing…It progressed to phone calls, then dates.  We built up a lot of intimacy in those first few months–talking and emailing each other every day.  It was at least 40 days until things progressed beyond kissing.  I think its better that way, but what do I know.  I have had a few long term relationships, but they have always ended for some reason.  They never show that part in the movies

Bull Durham

Bull Durham was my first ‘adult’ movie. [even though I didn't see it until years after it came out]  There was cursing [fuck, cock, pussy, plenty of goddammmits], it was about baseball [which I love], takes place in Durham [where I lived for a while]. I blame this movie for a lot of my views on sex . [It was the first movie I saw about sex, cleverly disguised as baseball] My favorite quote from Kevin Costner’s character–

• “Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.

Oh yea…some guy ever says that to me, it’s over, I’m done.

oh and my other favorite quote “Fuck this fucking game. Fuck”  that has had a big impact on my vocabulary.

 

Redo

 I have come to realized that this blog has ADD.  It’s all over the place, and that doesn’t make easy navigation.  I have decided to redo the blog.  I hope the changes are for the better.

Daily [weekly] musings about life in general:  http://lavidademichelle.wordpress.com

Photography [and such] : http://blackcatsphotography.wordpress.com

The house search and progress:  http://lacasademichelle.wordpress.com

Cooking [mis]adventures: http://lacocinademichelle.wordpress.com

and finally:

Traveling:  http://lasviajesdemichelle.wordpress.com

So there it is:  from one serious ADD blogs to 5 with focus.

My existential crisis

I am not coping well with the changes life has thrown me  in the last 10 days.  Curly is becoming  more withdrawn and distant.  It seems as if nothing I do can help him.  In turn, I am not handling that very well at all.  He has been ‘my person’ for almost the last six years.  Whenever I have good [or bad] things happen, he is the first one I turn to.  Now, whatever I have going on in my life is in no way as difficult/draining. ect as what is going on in his life [loss of a parent, being a parent, dealing with lawyers and inheritance issues.]  I am thankful, for his sake, that he does not work at the hospital anymore.  I just don’t think he could do it right now.

Back to my crisis:  I am having one of those Do I really want to persue medicine? moments.  Right now, all I want to do is hang out with Kaos [and Curly when he lets me].  I don’t want to go to class.  I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to go to the gym. I don’t even want to hang out with friends. [Note:  Just want to make clear that I DO go to work; I just don't want to.]

Question 1:  Could I be happy being a respiratory therapist for the next 35+ years?  I think the answer to that question is No–at least not in the Greenville area.  There are just too many things that I don’t like about working here [If I felt like relocating back to Durham, maybe things would change, but as much as I like working at Duke, I hated living in Durham].  There are also issues with the entire profession–will it stay or will it go?  There seems to be a lot of debate amongst health care managers and admins and especially in smaller hospitals, the respiratory department is often seen as a luxury [I have seen this first hand where I have literally sat on my ass for an entire 12 hour shift, and for example today the hospital where I used to work <adults> has only 9 patients in the middle of the week]

Question 2:  Do I want to give up my life for the next 8 years to study medicicne?  It seems strange that even with all the education I currently have, it will still take me another 4 years of education <without income> before I start working as a resident <making about what I make now> and a full 8 years from now until I become a ‘full physician’.  That would put in my early 40′s before I am a physician.  I’d still have 25+ years of work left in me, and I would rather ‘use my mind’ instead of my body.  Oh yea, and if I decided to do a speciality [ I like Developmental/Behavorial Pediatrics] that is about 3 more years of training after doing a 3 year residency.

The main issue I have with going to medical school is I want to establish some roots [even if it is micro roots] somewhere-preferably in the Greenville/Spartanburg area.  I want to buy a house, fix it up, and have a life.  I want to get married [not have kids] and enjoy my adulthood.  Can I do this in medical school/residency?  I don’t know.  Others have; others have not.

In a perfect world I would get accepted to medical school early enough to buy a house, work on it, and be ready to start school next year [2013].  Alas the world is not perfect.

Question 3:  I enjoy my lifestyle.  I enjoy being able to send Kaos off to [boarding camp] and go on vacations for a couple of weeks at a time.  This will not be possible while I am in medical school [no job=no travel] and only limited as a resident/physician due to actually having a job. [OK, that's not really a question, but more of a statement]

I haven’t made any decisions, but at least I feel better getting that out there.

Decisions

I had a talk with Curly last week that has propelled me into action.  I have been in a funk lately and since I made my decision last Thursday, I have felt lots better.  I wanted a few days to live with my decision before I really acted on it, but now I have.  I have decided NOT to pursue medicine as a career and that includes both career paths that I was looking at:  Physician and physician assistant.  Why?  After talking to several people in the know, every.single.one. has said that if they had to do it over again, they would apply to medical school despite the challenges or time commitment.  Why?  For one reason, SC is not a PA market.  There are PAs here, but the ones who work in hospitals are perma-residents [interns even], and the ones who don’t work in hopsital work in places such as Minute-Clinic.  I couldn’t see myself doing that for the next 30 years, or just doing well-baby exams.  If I were to be a physician, I would want to be a Developmental-Behavioral Pediatrician–6 years training after graduation.  I did an opportunity cost analysis and I wouldn’t even break even until I was past 50 years old.  I don’t want to spend the next 15 years living in near poverty as a medical student/intern/ resident/fellow.

This I know:  I want to work with kids.  Education is my favorite part of my job.  I love working one-on-one with people.  I love seeing progress [people getting better, problems being fixed]

I want to buy a house sooner rather than later, and I can’t be a house if I am in medical school [no income=no money for mortgage]

I don’t want to be a respiratory therapist working nights[or days] in a hospital [and I don't want to work in home health] forever.

I have something in mind…I won’t say its a back-up plan more like a back burner plan.  It is a career I have thought about before and even better USC has a part time option.  I will let this idea percolate until the end of February and then I will decide if I really want to pursue this grad school thing after all

10 years ago

“Where were you when the planes crashed into the Twin Towers in New York City on September 11, 2001.”  That seems to be the question everyone is asking and answering  today.  10 years ago I was on vacation.  My first vacation since I came back from Mexico in July 1999.  I was on Ocracoke Island, NC.  I don’t know exactly what I was doing but I do remember the reason for the trip.

I once and for all free of the first ex.  I hadn’t seen Antonio since I returned to the USA [I hadn't really expected to], I had recently broke up with ‘Juan Valdez’ [not his real name, but I am protecting the innocent here], and I had just started dating a guy that so much fun.  I went to the Outer Banks to think.  To get away.  To enjoy some much needed rest.  I didn’t like my job, but I didn’t know what else I wanted to do.  I really liked “Nobody”, but wasn’t sure dating him was a good idea.  Two years of working in “Corporate America” had sucked the life out of my soul–so vacation was definitely in order, and the weekend after Labor Day 2001, I went to the Outer Banks to isolate myself from the ‘real world’.  I had lots of books.  I had lots of CDs.  My only goals were to lay on the beach, read, take photos [of lighthouses, sunrises, sunsets, the beach, and the wild horses that live on the island],  only talk when absolutely necessary, and cycle the length of Ocracoke Island.  I met my goals.  I was planning to come home September 12, 2001, and spend a day unwinding from travel before I had to be back at work on Saturday.  So on September 12, 2001 I loaded up my car [the same one I have now!] and prepared to take the same route back home.  Imagine my surprise when I was stopped at the sentry and told to turn around because Camp Lejune was on lockdown–and that meant now Hwy 12 for me.  When I asked Why?  the marine guard said are you kidding.  I had to explain that no I was not kidding, I had just spent the last 8 days on a practically deserted island.  So I found out about the attacks from a US Marine–the day after it happen.  Not to many others have a story like that.

Blast from the Past

I have been seeing a lot of people from my past lately.  Not necessarily bad, but more of a non-issue for me.  I do live in the same general geographical area that I was raised in and went to college in [not the same town, but within 50 miles] so I occasionally see people who I went to school with.  These people are not friends [not enemies either...just have nothing in common except for the fact that we went to school together] so while I generally recognize them [even classmates from elementary school] I generally don’t say anything to them.

Case 1:  Sarah–I went to school with Sarah from 1-12 grade.  We were good friends in elementary school [my first sleep-over was at her house], not so much during middle and high school.  She looked different.  A lot different [too much sun], but I still recognized her.  She was sitting directly in my line of sight at Barnes and Noble.  I didn’t say anything.  Should I have said something? and if so what would that be?  I’m not so good at small talk, and especially when I know that I have nothing in common with the person.

Case 2:  Joe–I saw Joe yesterday in the Total Wine store.  We went to Erskine together and was the same major so I had a lot of classes with him.  It also helps that Joe is about 6’5 so he stands out.    Once again, I didn’t speak or anything.  We weren’t friends at Erskine so why would I speak now?  Maybe I am anti-social.  Who knows?

Case 3:   Kelly–I saw her at the gas station.  She looked the exact same as when we were in college, but since I never talked to her then, I didn’t figure the gas station was the time to start.

I may have mentioned this before, but with the advent of social media such as blogs and Facebook, everyone that I remotely want to keep up with, I do.  Everyone else, I basically ignore–not ignore as in I won’t speak to you, but since my life is much different from 90% of my former classmates [not married, no kids, still in school, vagabond at heart], I don’t really have a lot in common with a lot of people.  I am not unfriendly just not overly friendly, and I think if most people were truly honest, they wouldn’t want to make casual small talk with people from their past either.

Still spinning

It’s been almost exactly 24 hours since my flip induced spinning started.  I have been thinking:  I got dizzy and disoriented when I went surfing in Peru too.  I also got dizzy when I tried diving way back when I was a kid.  I’m definitely going to try ear plug on my next swim.