I am not coping well with the changes life has thrown me in the last 10 days. Curly is becoming more withdrawn and distant. It seems as if nothing I do can help him. In turn, I am not handling that very well at all. He has been ‘my person’ for almost the last six years. Whenever I have good [or bad] things happen, he is the first one I turn to. Now, whatever I have going on in my life is in no way as difficult/draining. ect as what is going on in his life [loss of a parent, being a parent, dealing with lawyers and inheritance issues.] I am thankful, for his sake, that he does not work at the hospital anymore. I just don’t think he could do it right now.
Back to my crisis: I am having one of those Do I really want to persue medicine? moments. Right now, all I want to do is hang out with Kaos [and Curly when he lets me]. I don’t want to go to class. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to go to the gym. I don’t even want to hang out with friends. [Note: Just want to make clear that I DO go to work; I just don't want to.]
Question 1: Could I be happy being a respiratory therapist for the next 35+ years? I think the answer to that question is No–at least not in the Greenville area. There are just too many things that I don’t like about working here [If I felt like relocating back to Durham, maybe things would change, but as much as I like working at Duke, I hated living in Durham]. There are also issues with the entire profession–will it stay or will it go? There seems to be a lot of debate amongst health care managers and admins and especially in smaller hospitals, the respiratory department is often seen as a luxury [I have seen this first hand where I have literally sat on my ass for an entire 12 hour shift, and for example today the hospital where I used to work <adults> has only 9 patients in the middle of the week]
Question 2: Do I want to give up my life for the next 8 years to study medicicne? It seems strange that even with all the education I currently have, it will still take me another 4 years of education <without income> before I start working as a resident <making about what I make now> and a full 8 years from now until I become a ‘full physician’. That would put in my early 40′s before I am a physician. I’d still have 25+ years of work left in me, and I would rather ‘use my mind’ instead of my body. Oh yea, and if I decided to do a speciality [ I like Developmental/Behavorial Pediatrics] that is about 3 more years of training after doing a 3 year residency.
The main issue I have with going to medical school is I want to establish some roots [even if it is micro roots] somewhere-preferably in the Greenville/Spartanburg area. I want to buy a house, fix it up, and have a life. I want to get married [not have kids] and enjoy my adulthood. Can I do this in medical school/residency? I don’t know. Others have; others have not.
In a perfect world I would get accepted to medical school early enough to buy a house, work on it, and be ready to start school next year . Alas the world is not perfect.
Question 3: I enjoy my lifestyle. I enjoy being able to send Kaos off to [boarding camp] and go on vacations for a couple of weeks at a time. This will not be possible while I am in medical school [no job=no travel] and only limited as a resident/physician due to actually having a job. [OK, that's not really a question, but more of a statement]
I haven’t made any decisions, but at least I feel better getting that out there.